The president turns 72 today and here are all the gifts — one for every year of his infamous life — on the aspiring tyrant’s wish list
he faux POTUS celebrates his 72nd birthday today, June 14th.
He’ll have a special dictator’s birthday party later this afternoon complete with arsenic-laden cake for all the guests.
He also has a wish list of 72 great gifts ideas for a budding oppressor. Want to get on his good side, maybe become one of his elite oligarchs? Just order any of the goodies below at Despot.com and send it to President Adolf Twitler, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.:
- Smith & Wesson sidearm to wear like a puffed up general at public events
- Robert Mueller’s balls in a glass jar
- A big nuclear button, the biggest one they sell on Amazon
- Wall plaque embossed with the phrase “Do what I say, not what I do.”
- Weekly deliveries of the president’s favorite “Tyrant Tater Tots”
- Strict laws against smashing POTUS pinatas on The Donald’s birthday
- Bribable judges and buyable senators
- 100,000 pairs of wrist shackles, size small, for immigrant children seeking safety in the U.S.
9. Lots of “yes” men and “yes” women and “yes” executioners
10. Birthday parade complete with big tanks
11. One-touch, push-button shutdown of all media outlets
12. Easily revised Constitution
13. Dungeons
14. Complete, behind-the-scenes control of Frito-Lay, with overnight shipments of preferred snacks directly to the Oval Office
15. Legitimate-looking document on aged parchment declaring Benedict Donald supreme leader for life
16. Self-awarded military medals
17. Slaves
18. 10% kickback on any job, in any industry, ever performed in the United States
19. Password to wall safe at Fort Knox
20. Military-style epaulets on all his Italian suits
21. Obedience from everyone, especially CNN
22. Fewer sons with succession on their minds
23. Alec Baldwin installed as court jester in Trump White House, complete with tight-fitting, harlequin tights and joker’s hat
24. Infinite and absolute power, like God’s but without the principled behavior
25. Desktop copy of Mao Zedong’s “Purging Your Political Enemies For Fun And Profit”
26. A quick death for all dormant and/or aspiring heroes
27. Concrete shoes for Hillary Clinton
28. Honorary Grand Wizard status from the Ku Klux Klan
29. Atrocities check-list
30. More robot assassins like Russian-made Stephen Miller
31. A dozen believable excuses for declaring a nationwide “state of emergency” at a moment’s notice
32. White supremacist songbook
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